The Chuck Norris of the WWE, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan was a force to be reckoned with for years inside of the squared circle. With a physique similar to that of your dad’s and a patriotism unrivaled by even the the reddest of rednecks, Hacksaw made a name for himself in professional wrestling though his eternal optimism and confusing use of awkward facial expressions.
And oh, how he loved his country. In fact, I can’t think of anyone more American. Duggan used to stroll to the ring waving an American flag, used a sturdy piece of American lumber to help defend himself when he got in trouble and, some say, had apple pie filling flowing through his veins instead of blood. And, really, what’s more patriotic than apple pie?
But James Stuart Duggan was often misunderstood. Some common myths about this legend of the ring:
- He was not the smartest (FALSE: Duggan held a degree in Applied Plant Biology)
- He was not the most athletic (FALSE: Duggan was signed by the Atlanta Falcons after graduating college)
- He was not successful in wrestling (FALSE: Duggan held nine different titles during his time in wrestling and even won the very first Royal Rumble)
Never mind that ol’ Hacksaw was once pulled over with his then rival, The Iron Shiek, in New Jersey after they had been partying together all night. They probably weren’t even having a good time. All the cops found in that car when they conducted a search was alcohol, marijuana and cocaine. Lame.
But the best thing about Hacksaw was his subliminal diss to every opponent before, during and after each match. I mean, who else could get away with calling his opponent a “hooooooooooo” right to their face?
Only a pimp, my friends. Only a pimp.
Check him out below on some talk show no one’s ever heard of making absolutely no sense whatsoever. I promise, it will make your life seem that much more sane by comparison.
Hacksaw on Random Talk Show
Not the city. Not the baked beans. Not the strangler.
The rock and roll band.
These guys were the real deal. Don’t believe me? Here’s a little trivia for you: which band had the highest selling debut album in U.S. history? And please save yourself the embarrassment from your inevitable lame ass guesses like “Hanson” or “Lou Bega”. The answer is Boston and the number of albums sold = 17 million.
I’ll let that sink in.
But this band was cool for so many reasons other than the albums they peddled to hippies in the late 70’s. The first time they ever played New York City, they got to play Madison f’ing Square Garden. Their lead guitarist wrote the instrumental half of one of their best songs (Foreplay/Longtime) while attending MIT and recorded it in a studio he built in his own basement. Their lead singer, Brad Delp, had a classy-as-can-be man perm and an amazing mustache to boot (god rest his soul).
And to top it all off, this band wrote and performed one of the best drinking with your friends at the end of a Saturday night-I think I might get laid tonight-wait maybe not, but at least my friends are still here-shit…where did they go-oh god, there they are-man, I’m so wasted songs ever:
More Than A Feeling
Clap along at home if you know this one (and don’t be afraid of the mustache, ladies…it won’t bite…much).
Pop-quiz, hot shot. What item allows you to write:
- upside down?
- at any angle?
- in crazy temperatures (both cold and hot)?
If you said a pencil, then you’re just being a smart-ass. It’s the Space Pen, of course.
Did I mention this thing writes underwater too?
There were once nasty rumors floating around that the Space Pen cost American taxpayers millions of dollars in the development of this technology for NASA. But that’s simply not the case. We used those millions to help pay off some of the more famous Presidential mistresses of the time instead. I’m looking at you JFK.
The reality of the situation is that the Space Pen is amazing. Like Astronaut Ice Cream before it, the Space Pen has revolutionized how private companies profit from the exploration of our universe. Plus, the freaking thing was featured in the plot of an episode of Seinfeld. And that show was bigger than The Beatles.
“Take the pen!”
Also known as the “brick” or more famously “the Zack Morris phone”, these chunks of technological wonder were the predecessors to that stick of gum-sized object in your pocket or purse right now that you call a cell phone. Typically over a foot long and about 5-6 inches wide, they ruled the late 80’s and early 90’s with an iron first (and a ridiculously long antenna).
And more frequently than Zack Morris used to break the fourth wall on Saved By The Bell, the brick phone was wielded by the major power players of its time. After all, this is a product that first went to market with a nearly $4,000 price tag.
But just because only the likes of Gordon Gecko and the Monopoly Man could afford this thing, doesn’t mean it wasn’t appreciated. I mean, who doesn’t get excited about a half-hour of talk time and spotty coverage in even the most open of areas. If you want to relive that magic nowadays, just do yourself a favor and sign-up with AT&T.
I don’t really care what you do to be honest.
Well except, you should probably watch this clip from Saved By The Bell that totally encapsulates the curse that is the cell phone and its affects on family culture in America today (or something like that). A classic exchange between Zack and his very underutilized father, Derek Morris. No crying.
“Dad…is this the only way I can get through to you?”
There…I said it.
It takes too long to play, the field is too large and the game is too boring to be widely appreciated in America. BUT, one redeeming aspect of the game of Soccer is that it was the inspiration for the far superior athletic contest known as Foosball (or Table Football or…well, a bunch of other crap that doesn’t sound nearly as cool as “Foosball”).
Foosball is typically played with 8 rows of players controlled by 4 human players. The human players move their individual rows of players back and forth to help matriculate the ball down the field and score goals. There are organized competitions of the game being played worldwide constantly and 99.9% of participants are drinking as they play.
“Wait? You mean to say I get to drink AND play a game that requires very little skill, still observes many of the rules of soccer, but involves almost none of the physical strain and is actually fun?”
Yes. And I would never lie to you.
And if all that isn’t enough to convince you, it’s trick shot time motherf*****:
Foosball Trick Shots
I wish I knew why I like Kenan Thompson so much on Saturday Night Live.
In fact, watch as I pile-up the evidence against Kenan being a likable TV personality. Behold! Movies Kenan has appeared in up to this point in his career:
- Good Burger
- The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle
- Barber Shop 2: Back In Business
- Cousin Skeeter
- Fat Albert
- Space Chimps
- Snakes on a Plane
Now, I know what you’re thinking and I agree. Snakes on a Plane was Oscar-worthy and is the only aberration on this otherwise unwatchable list of hot garbage. But my point here is there’s no reason in the world why Kenan should be funny on SNL. In fact, I’d argue that he wasn’t very funny at all for much of his early years (2003-2006) on the late night institution.
What’s that? You think SNL sucks period right now? Listen…to each his own. I don’t ask you why you still suck your thumb. But I dare you to watch the following clips from Kenan-led sketches on SNL this season and not laugh out loud at least once. Go ahead…give it a try:
What Up With That?
Grady Wilson’s ‘Burning Up The Bedsheets’
Dude is funny. You have to admit it. And if not, have fun with your thumb, sucka!!! Get it?
No, of course you don’t. And the carousel keeps going round and round…
The word “comfort” means a lot of things to a lot of people. But if you aren’t an idiot, the word comfort is synonymous with only one article of clothing: hooded sweatshirts.
Just think about it for a second. What’s the most comfortable item in your closet right now? And yes, I realize some of you live in warmer climates year-round. But who are you trying to kid moving to California? Your acting career is never going to pan out. And when you finally come to that realization, alone, while sitting on your IKEA sofa, what do you think you’ll pull over your head as you cry yourself to sleep? Why, a hooded sweatshirt bearing the logo of the college back East where you earned that liberal arts degree, of course.
But the humble beginnings of the hooded sweatshirt are much less dramatic than you. Created in the modern era for workers in New York’s frozen warehouses to help protect them from extreme cold, the hooded sweatshirt has evolved into the uniform of the skateboarding/surfing/hip-hop culture around the world. And in some cases they have been related directly to crime because of their ability to conceal the identity of the wearer. Really, the only crime at this point is in not owning one.
Make no mistake though. This is a truly dangerous article of clothing. Don’t believe me? Then do us all a favor and grab those strings on the end of your hoodie right now, pull tightly and don’t stop squeezing until you find yourself in the midst of the most luxurious coma you could ever imagine.